A-N-D-Y to the tune of YMCA

2nd song for Andrew's 40th, sung at his Indiana Jones themed party after I had done him the song 'The Big Four-Oh' Of course the whole party joined in with the chorus and swung their arms about trying to make the A,N, D & Y! He does like his drink and was rather sick after his wife's 40th which I had sung at the year before, hence the 'rush to the loo' line. * East Bergholt is the village they live in and honestly, his brother is a professional clown!

Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said young man, you are talk of the town
I said young man, 'cause you’re forty today!
wi-th cock-tails and a buf-fet

Young man, we are all here for yo-oo-oo
Joining, the East Bergholt crew-ew-ew
And we-ee, are gonna show you
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
With a drink in our hand and in fancy dress
In the morning we’ll be a mess
It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
You can get very pissed and have a good meal,
Life of the party, with sex appeal

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said pour him, a large G and Tee-ee-ee
Followed, by a few pints of beer
And then come right ov-er here

Watch out, he’s a little frisky
So give him, a glass of whiskey
And then we can all boogie down
(Did you know his bro’s a clown?)

It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
With a drink in our hand and in fancy dress
In the morning we’ll be a mess
It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
You can get very pissed and have a good meal,
Life of the party, with sex appeal


Try some, of Michelle’s super punch
Foods out, lets all have a munch
Make sure, the camcorder’s here
And then pass that man a beer…

Now Andy, he is just full of charm
A cocktail can’t do any harm
Finish with a swift shot or two
Then a quick dash to the loo

It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
With a drink in our hand and in fancy dress
In the morning we’ll be a mess
It's fun to be friends with ANDY,
It's fun to be friends with ANDY
You can get very pissed and have a good meal,
Life of the party, with sex appeal

Madeleine's 11th birthday

For my daughter Maddy's 11th birthday I got her tickets to see the West End Musical Mamma Mia. She loved the film, loved the music, so it was a great idea to take her to the show. I went with her down on the train after school. This was her birthday poem



Would you like a CD or paperback book
A DVD, t-shirt or something to cook

An audio book would have been nice
Or a Chinese takeaway with lots of fried rice

A pink accessory to go with your room
Or some flowery nice smelling girlie perfume

A soft pink pillow to go on your bed
Or an outdoor toy to be stored in the shed

No, Nana and Grandad gave me some money, money, moneySo you could eat something like Honey, Honey

The last few weeks, the weather’s been a bummer
But we’ve had lots of fun during our last summer

We will go out for a meal and have a huge ice-cream
I expect we will enjoy ourselves as I have a dream

Remember to flush when you go to the loo
They do, so do I, I do, I do, I do

So now you are 11, let’s go and have a ball
As the birthday girl’s a winner and should ‘take it all!’

Alex 40

To the tune of All Summer Long by Kid Rock
He is left handed!

It was 1969, my hair was blonde my legs were long
I was born in South Africa in a shed
I then left for England on a boat with mum and dad
And I ended up somewhere in Dorset.

Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh

Growing up in Camphill
My life was pretty brill
Apart from lentils and a loathing for goats cheese
We had no tv, no internet
But man I never will forget
When I had to eat undercooked chick peas

While I was sketching different things
Planning what tomorrow brings
Sharpening my pencils made my left arm very strong
My trousers I did outgrow,
thinking about tomorrow
I want to be an architect all my life long.
I want to be an architect all my life long.

After a year in Africa stalling
An Architects course was calling
A later a job in London after my degree
I met my wife called Ali
And we got very pally
I wooed her by learning how to ski!

I was sketching different things
Planning what tomorrow brings
Holding my ski poles made my left arm very strong
I proposed to her in Como,
thinking about tomorrow
I want to be with Ali all my life long.
I want to be with Ali all my life long.

A ready made family I had
I got married and became a dad
Everything that life threw at me I caught
Then I began to wonder
If we could move down under
And we were here without a second thought

I started to work for Hassell
We found our Mapleton castle
We love the fact the kids can walk to school
We’ve made some friends we think
Who also enjoy a drink
And even gone skinny dipping in the pool!

I’m now sketching different things
And pulling different strings
Holding my mouse tight makes my left arm very strong
Commuting on the train,
all the way to Brisbane
I think I’ll be there all my life long

So now that I am 40
And my wife’s a little shorty
I’m enjoying this life and my left arms still so strong
Although we’ve had some sorrow,
I am not thinking about tomorrow
Other than I want to be in Aus all my life long.

Singing Sweet Home Mapleton all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Mapleton all summer long

Alex's Christmas Present 2006

This was the poem Alex opened on Christmas morning. I had got him tickets to see the Show of The Snowman by Raymond Briggs which is on in the West End most years. It is a ballet, but not too ballet-ish, if that makes sense, and the kids are all in awe at the snowman and the little boy when they fly. We had a lovely day out including lunch and the matinee performance, before coming home.

The Christmas Present

I thought and thought then thought some more
I searched the web and paced the floor
Something to wear, a new tool to hold
Something warm to keep out the cold

Gloves and scarves and boring old hats
A calendar with pictures of really cute cats
Some pants without holes and some new socks
Hidden in an extremely large box

A book, or two, or three or four
Do you really want any more?
Paperbacks for each day on the train
Or an enormous book about architecture again

DVD’s often go down real well
(We’ve lots that we really should sell)
Action, thriller, comedy to keep
Watch for an hour, then fall asleep

A CD of Travis or Keane or Embrace
Another selection to lose or misplace
Now 99, or Pop Party Ten
To sing to in the car again and again

An additional tool to store in the shed
Or in your wardrobe above your head
A saw or compact screwdriver set
Homebase will have something you don’t have yet

A gadget or gizmo, a new mobile phone
With mp3’s mexapixels and annoying ring tone
More earphones to break and chargers to use
Waiting in Vodaphone, joining the queues

T-shirts; black or white or nice light blue
A three pack from Marks’s will normally do
Some PJ bottoms that are not too short
All of these things, I could have bought

But I decided to do something nice for us
It will mean a ride on the train and perhaps on a bus
The 9.03 Colchester Londonbound train
You’ll can use your rail season ticket again!

So on Saturday the 30th we’re out for the day
Which includes entertainment, food, fun and play
It will bring tears to your eyes, tears of joy
(I’ll bring some tissues, because you’re a boy!)

This present is for Sophia and You
(but I thought I might tag along too!)
So enjoy my little special plan
Merry Christmas to my wonderful man!

Jame's Baptism

A more serious poem written for my friend Lynn and Steve's son James's baptism. I am not religious so found this a challenge to do, but was very pleased with the result. I framed it and one for his brother and the last time I was at their house, they are still proudly displayed on the window sill.


Feel the love surround you
Today and every day
Love from you dear family
Which God has sent your way

Your family is a circle
Of enormous strength and love
And includes the care from Jesus
And his father up above

God created boys
Full of sprit, strength and fun
To explore the world, learn from it
And share with everyone

Remember your faith and you will
Touch the people you know
Continuing your journey through life
Learning as you grow

God is always at your side
And think of him when you pray
May all the love of Heaven
Enrich this Baptism Day

Christmas Pressie for Grandma and Grandpa

Written to go in a card for my dad and step mum Christmas 2007.

Ho, Ho Ho! It’s that time again
When we prepare our lists
Thinking up things we need
So Santa we can assist

Electronic games and vouchers
CD’s, Books and soft toys
Annuals, chocolates, jewellery
Not forgetting, socks for the boys

So this year we decided to be different
We know you have lots of stuff
So we just got you a little something
And we hope that it’s enough

But we wanted to do something good
And decided to help a few kids
So bought some bits from UNICEF
This is what we did

Because we like writing and drawing
We thought it would be really cool
To buy one thousand pencils
That’s enough for a whole school!

We also like being active
So as a wonderful surprise
We bought 30 skipping ropes
For fun, play and exercise

So together we hope this Christmas
In Africa and other places
We have put some unexpected smiles
Onto some additional children’s faces

Merry Christmas!!

Helen's 40th - Where it all started

Helen, my great friend from Ardleigh near Colchester, UK, turned 40 and I couldn't think what to get her, so I sang her this song. Adopted as a baby she found her birth parents in her 30's and sadly her marriage ended leaving her with 4 young boys.

When I met her, the youngest was 5 and the oldest was just off to secondary school. I have always been amazed at her ability to raise the boys to each be polite and independent individuals who look out for one another. She has a fabulous relationship with her real mum and dad, their families, friends and various dogs!

One of her sons was in a band who played at her 40th. So I grabbed the mike, put on a backing track of You're Beautiful by James Blunt and sang this version to her. There was hardly a dry eye in the house and everyone was joining in with the chorus in the end.

Your Life is Brilliant

Your life is brilliant.
Your love is pure.
You are an angel.
Of that we’re sure.

You’re family all love you dearly
That’s why they all are here
And you are surrounded by your great friends
Who wanted to be near

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
The smile on your face in this beautiful place
Your loving warmth bursts right through
and we will always be with you.

Helen catches your eye
As she walks on by
Dressed in all pinks
& blue like the sky
We don’t want tonight to ever end
But we’re sharing a moment with this fantastic friend

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
The smile on your face, in this beautiful place
Your loving warmth bursts right through
and we will always be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There’s definitely and angel, with a smile on her face,
As we’re all honoured to know you

So it’s time to face the truth
Happy 40th Birthday to you!

Birth Announcement - Sophia

On our birth announcement cards when Sophia arrived on 16.02.03

On the sixteenth of Feb, at just ten past one
Out shot Miss Hoffmann, our bundle of fun
Her eyes are dark blue with hair like her dads
A sweet little sister for Harvey and Mads
Perfect, but small, two point two five k-g
(That’s five pounds ten ounces to you and to me)
Named after great grandma and a god mother
Sophia Eva, adored by her sister and brother
Proud parents are we but over and above
We wish our daughter a life full of love.

Michelle's 40th - To the tune of Grace Kelly by Mika

This song I sang at my good friend Michelle's 40th. It was a Pirates of the Caribbean dress up party which was fantastic. Michelle is a bit of a cook and the spread that evening was superb. She also makes the most wonderful organic wedding and occasion cakes. I had unexpected visitors that day and I excused myself for half an hour, sat at the computer and this just flowed. It went down so well. I am pleased both Michelle and her husbands songs (the big Four-Oh) were crowd pleasers as I performed them in front of heaps of family and friends who had known her a lot longer than I had. People were coming up to me saying how spot on I had got it. It is also a very difficult song to sing as it is quite fast, goes really high, so the top notes were a bit squeaky!

For Michelle’s 40th Sing to the tune of Grace Kelly by Mika

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my pinny on?
My name’s Michelle?
And I excel.
It’s cooking I like
I can make cup cakes
I can cook blue steaks
I’m not at all shy
Have a taste
Have a little bit,
Why don’t you give it a try

I try to be like Nigella
Her cakes are not bad
I tried a little Delia
But she drove me mad!

I can cook fish
I can cook bread
I can cook pasta bake
I can do pies I can do fries
I could do anything you like
Gotta eat greens
Sometimes eat beans
Gotta eat everything and more
My husband reckons
That you’ll have seconds
And not fit through the door

What can I cook now
What can I cook now,
What can I cook for tonight
I’ve can do hearty
I’m having a party
My food will excite
Lots of pirates
And some wenches
Are coming round here
To have a sing song
And a boogie
We’ll have lots of cheer

I try to be like Nigella
Her cakes are not bad
I tried a little Delia
But she drove me mad!

I can cook scones
I can cook rice
I can cook sausage rolls
I can do peas
I can do cheese
I could do anything you like
Gotta eat greens
Sometimes eat beans
Gotta eat everything and more
My husband reckons
That you’ll have seconds
And not fit through the door

Eat what you like to satisfy yourself
I love to cook for everyone here
and there’s more….and there’s more

I can cook leeks
I can cook beef
I can cook fairy cakes
I can do lamb
I can do ham
I could do anything you like
Gotta eat greens
Sometimes eat beans
Gotta eat everything and more
My husband reckons
That you’ll have seconds
And not fit through the door

I can cook quiche
I can cook quail
I can cook coq au vin
I can do roast
I can do toast
I could do anything you like
Gotta eat greens
Sometimes eat beans
Gotta eat everything and more
My husband reckons
That you’ll have seconds
And not fit through the door

The Travellers Return

OK. This is a weird one...

My mother in law had a little box which contained a family of little wooden dolls which happened to be dwarves. Designed in Germany, this little dolls are made by Waldorf toys and used in Steiner education.

Our daughter, Sophia, age 2 I think, loved to play with them and Granny said she could borrow them when we went on holiday to Turkey as they were small and she could play with them on the plane.

Unfortunately we left them on a boat when we went out for a day with a couple of other families and although we went back on the last morning to see if we could get them back, the boat had already left for it's trip that day.

A couple of months later, I called the shop where I guessed that my mother in law had purchased them and bought a replacement for her. I wrote this poem, emailed to the chap in the shop and he delivered the box and poem to her and left them on her doorstep.

I didn't think the word 'dwarf' was considered terribly PC any more, but is apparantly originally from Germanic Mythology.

The Travellers Return

You may find us familiar
A family of small stature
But we were taken by what we think
Was a small-blond-girl-dwarf-catcher

We went on an aeroplane
High up in the sky
Then landed in a kingdom of
Magic carpets and cheese pie

We travelled in cars and buses
Then we found ourselves afloat
With several other families
On a lovely Turkish boat

We were allowed to play for a while
In a cabin down below
But when the catcher was distracted
We jumped ship and she didn’t know

We partied with some other dwarfs
For a couple of months in the sun
So we are tanned, relaxed and overweight
But we had a lot of fun

After many adventures, we decided
To board the next plane home
We nearly lost our baskets
And I got mistaken for a gnome!

But we thought we’d come back for your birthday
Feel free to have a play
We’ll tell you tales of our travels
And then you can put us away

But just beware of your grand-daughter
The small-blonde-girl-dwarf-catcher
And from now on, please to refer to us
As ‘The family of Small Stature’

Montessori

Oaklea is the lovely Montessori pre-school my daughter went to. When she started school, I wanted to say thank you to Caroline who ran the nursery from a classroom at the back of her house. My daughter Sophia loved going and we made friends for life, Graham & Mandy and Michelle & Andrew (who I wrote songs for see The Big Four - Oh and Grace Kelly)

Oaklea

Caroline’s House is where I like to learn and play
It’s really called Oaklea and it’s truly a nice place to stay
We hang up our coats and bags and put our names upon the door
We settle ourselves on a cushion and sit nicely on the floor

Listening to wonderful stories and singing lots of songs
The teachers are all just lovely and everyone belongs
By the door upside-down, wellies dry upon the rack
And we all sit at the table when it’s time to have a snack

We are taught the alphabet and learn to write our names
We are able to play with lots of different and fun games
With jugs and interesting equipment, we spoon, scoop and pour
And there is plenty of paper and pencils, when we want to draw

Colours, shapes and animals we like to look at all these
We settle into the welcoming room and soon we feel at ease
We learn about our homes, the world and continents no less
And when we paint our favourite things, we sometimes make a mess!

We can set the table, pour our drinks and have lunch with all our friends
We say good bye at lunchtime to those whose session ends
Number rods, adding up beads and counting spindles into a box
Listening to cylinders and building carefully with coloured blocks

There are so many activities to do and we are all allowed to choose
We are confident with brushes and brooms and have learnt to polish our shoes
We like to build words with pictures, letters and tiny toys
Objects, animals, we sound out the word and imitate its noise

We plant seeds in pots, water them and then watch them in time grow
And once we made a snowman when the garden was covered in snow
We have some furry friends, who live outside in their hutch
Buffer the Bunny, Guinea & Trixie and they are all so soft to touch.

Each day we play in the garden with the car and on the bike
It’s a lovely space outside and no two days there are alike
Jump on the trampoline, walk on the logs or run round and hide
Then when we’re tired, with our friends, we all head back inside.

You have taught us to be special and learn everyone is special too
But at Oaklea the best people, are definitely all of you
So thank you Caroline and everyone else at Oaklea
For sharing your home, your time and love and helping me to become me!

Sophia & Ali Hoffmann
12th December 2007

My Swivel Sweeper

Advertised on daytime tv on those 'infomercials', this handy gadget is demonstrated by an over enthusiastic man smashing lightbulbs and sweeping them up with his swivel sweeper, a battery powered portable vacuum-cum-brush thing, which reminds me of the old carpet sweeper my mum used to have in the 70's.

Ignored by many, these ads offer you not just one for $99+$19.99 postage, but for just covering the cost of the extra postage, you get to buy one and get one free! But who buys this stuff demonstrated by DanOZ Direct I hear you ask? Well I did!!

Recommended by my good friend Sherell as a time (and a back) saver, she keeps it in her pantry and sweeps up after her kids and as I find cleaning a chore (who doesn't?) she suggested I get one. I didn't need two, so found a single item on ebay, for a third of the price and I LOVE IT!!!

Light enough for my 8 year old to use and handy that you don't need to keep plugging in and unplugging the vacuum cleaner, I am hoping it will mean my kitchen floor, entrance hall and bthrooms are all easily cleaned, as are the kids bedrooms. Here is my poem to her to say thank you for suggesting it.

Thank you for telling me for sure
A tip for keeping a dirt free floor
Dan Oz Direct's swivel sweeper
(on Ebay I found one cheaper)

But with so much for me to do
I wish now that I had bought two
My floor's so clean, I want to keep
Swivelling instead of sleep

Up go the leaves, dirt and crumbs
As the little red rectangle hums
Effortlessly gliding across the tiles
and gently over the carpet piles

Sadly for my battery operated friend
The initial charge has now come to an end
At least tonight my husband can sleep
Without being disturbed by my addiction to sweep!